I Can’t Fathom My Whiteness

Genetically I’m a biracial woman….
So please hear me as I share this with the utmost transparency…..

Many times in my life I have wondered how it feels to be a white person, especially when I was little. But no matter how many times I tried I could not then and cannot now feel any whiteness.
I’ve never denounced that part of my genetic make up but as a teen and as a woman in America I have only felt my blackness.
Society labeled me and treated me as such from as early as I can remember. I think kindergarten is when it was confirmed for me that I was indeed a little black girl. I think 2nd grade is when my mother was forced to understand that she was raising a little black girl when Mrs Naumann dug her claws into my arm.
Although I love my mother and my white family members I always knew and felt I was different. Not because of how they treated me but I just inherently knew it. I could see I wasn’t the same. I could see I had darker skin, albeit light not white. I had different hair. I could see how people looked at me and looked at my mom….. we didn’t match. I didn’t fit. I was different.
I even asked my mother several times if she had adopted me because I could not feel the white parts of me.

But when I was around my black family members… I felt like I belonged. Everything about that side of me felt comfortable it felt normal and I didn’t feel out of place. Not because they did any thing different. The oneness was inherent.

It took me a while to understand why they felt different. My blackness did not make me feel as if I had to sacrifice my whiteness to be black. But to be white, well…. I would have to somehow sacrifice my blackness, which was never an option even if I had wanted it to be because of my beautiful brown skin and curly hair.I am and have always been a little black girl inside and out nothing will ever change that. As an adult I love being a reslient, intelligent black woman inside and out and nothing will ever change that.
I value my experiences as both a black woman and as a biracial woman. Still today I have no experiences or frame of reference to comprehend what it feels like to be a white woman.I share this to help my white friends, family, and followers understand this simple point…
If I can’t fathom what it feels like to be a white person in America, when that comprises half of my DNA … then certainly no one expects you to know what it feels like to be a black person in America.So just like I had to learn to understand both sides that’s all one can expect from you. To be open to understanding something even though you can’t possibly fathom what it feels like. To that point, because you can’t fathom what it feels like, you must resist any and all urges to tell us how we should feel, think, believe or respond.
* Just be open to learn.
* Take it upon yourself to begin digging into the real history, not the stuff they wanted you to learn. (We have the internet now you dont have to use the encyclopedia anymore so there is no excuse)
* Challenge yourself to unlearn and detach from some outdated belief systems to make room for the evidence of some new truths.
* Acknowledge the uneasiness in the pit of your stomach when something feels wrong but you don’t know why.
*Resist the urge to stuff it back down because it feels less scary hidden away.
* Use the privilege that you have, of not having to have known the pains and frustrations to help make the necessary changes.Your voices for change will speak volumes. Just as indifference and silence will also speak loudly.It’s your voice and your choice.
You may be able to reach ears that are resistant to black voices.
Every day you wake up and get to decide what want your message is going to be.

Love and Light

Marz

Posted in equality, family, LIFE LESSONS, LOVE, personal development, racism, RELATIONSHIPS, unity | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dear Future Husband, I Love Passionately

We live in a world of uncertain outcomes but driven by a strong need to know what the future holds. Often that need holds us back from taking the risks and saying yes to the unfamiliar things that are designed to move us closer to what is truly for us. I kinda think love works like that.

We fumble around year after year making only small modifications to how we go about the experience of loving. We choose in ways we’ve always chosen, call truths something they are not so that we can feel better in our misery. Worst case scenario we find our self in the same place in the next relationship that we walked out on in the last one. We run to the same people with different faces than the ones we had been running from. When that doesn’t work, if we are the least bit fortunate we fail forward by grace alone.  By the time we look up again we’ve made decades of poor personal investments and our spirit is left emotionally bankrupt. Without warning and with limited awareness we are mentally shut down from the possibility that the forever love story can even exist. The walls go up, we retreat, and surrender to a live a life that lacks in the one thing we desire most, to experience love from the inside out.
I know for sure I’ve been guilty of all of that. Well except for the part about being shut down to the possibility of the forever love story. I still believe in that. I HAVE to believe in that possibility. I can’t imagine trying to navigate life without that belief. I wonder if you are like that to. Perhaps it’s these fear-based habitual choices that are distracting us from moving forward to a place where our paths collide or we reunite, whichever that case. Not that it matters, because I know you’re there and I believe that this letter, along with all the ones that have come before it, will reach you. To that point, I’ve asked God to help me to become much more intentional about my choices. Not to say I still don’t get it wrong sometimes, because I surely do, but I’ve learned to slow down. It’s not a race to the forever love story but I’ve learned to absorb the lessons more quickly. The recovery time is shorter and my ability to extend myself grace in the pain of the process is much better.
I’m also learning what it feels like to let someone love me. Who knew that shit was gonna be so difficult? I think that has been one of my biggest fail forward successes. I also have come to realize that I don’t love HARD, I love PASSIONATELY, those are not the same! There was a huge gap filled in my love tank when I realized that. For years my personal investment model was to consign my passion with an expectation that it would be cared for and reciprocated back to me. By the time I’d realize that was not going to be the case, I was already empty. Leaving far too much vacant space to be filled with things like despair and regret. That was a truly painful lesson but the good news is that you will become the biggest benefactor.  I no longer co-sign my passion I hold it, I grow it and I share the excess. I pour from my saucer now instead of draining my cup.
I continue to pray for you daily. I pray that you remain covered, and that God continue to work on, thru, and with you just as he is doing with me. Every morning I awaken thankful for the opportunity that still awaits me for the day that we finally cross that threshold and exchange our vows. Whether you know it or not, you’ve changed me. I’m better, stronger and more aware the changes I need to make to become the help mate you need.
When you’re ready and I’m ready, I’ll be here waiting.

Your Future Wife,
The girl with the hazel eyes and the heart that was sent to love you

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Dear Future Husband, Another Sleepless Night

Dear Future Husband,

It’s been one of those restless nights. Tossing, turning, thinking, wondering, dreaming but with my eyes wide open. The luxury of sleep escapes me. When I lay real still the sound of my heart beating is ringing in my ears as if it is competing for my attention with the thoughts racing through my mind.

I can’t help but be reminded of the nights, in the Arizona heat when the storms raging outside my window were in competition with the storms raging inside of me. I keep having flashbacks of being alone, battling the visions from days gone by and disappointments long left behind, or so I thought. I find it strange that they come to me in the night, when I’m too weary to fight them off. It’s as if they know that by daylight I am strong, resilient and brave but at night in my bed all alone it is just me and the memories. Me alone with my insecurities, me questioning my choices, me years ago in the depths of my growing pains. Emotionally bankrupt with nothing left to grasp onto but Hope.

Why do these storms resurface periodically? Are they intended to be vicious reminders of my fears, flaws and failures or serendipitous celebrations of survival and success? One thing that comforts me is I still see HOPE. Just like during those dark days, walking with me, offering me encouragement and emphasizing to me that I’m strong, smart and capable. Sometimes Hope was the only thing that kept me standing. Love Miscarriages, Un-reciprocated affection, lies, betrayals. Not just from lovers, but friends, family, acquaintances and the like. Sent for me with such an unyielding force, counting on me to crumble. But yet, sleep is still eluding me I’m here. I survived.

I see my fears, I see my insecurities and then I see you. Standing tall, strong and confident. I see stability, security and comfort. It’s funny. I can see you but I don’t see your face. I see your heart and hear its beats. My heart beats faster with your presence as if my heart is racing to catch up to yours. It’s surreal, as if I could reach out and touch your chest and feel your heart beat in my palm. Gradually the racing calms, you provide me security, comfort and peace. We are in sync, ever so gently my heart beat slows and fades along with the flashes and the storms. My fears subside. I exhale.

Sleep still eludes me for the moment. I brush my hand across my forehead, it’s damp. I touch myself ever so gently down there, where I now feel the pulsing in unison with my heart beating delicately. It’s moist and inviting. I feel a tingling sensation travelling through me. I think of our first time, the last time and the next time. I wish you were here now. Your touch would soothe me. The feel of your breathe warming the back of my neck. The feel of your masculine hand pulling me close to you from the back. Yeassss, there’s that familiar feeling of exquisite, satisfying ecstasy. I remember, these memories they leave me warm and tingling, anticipating you.

As dawn begins to break, I’m still fighting for sleep but grateful for grace. If I could have one last wish in these last few moments before the sun breaks through my window blinds. I wish love came with a warranty. Longing for just one guarantee, which if by chance be granted and I rise this day, albeit weary, tired from this sleepless night and I would be so brave to allow my heart to remain intertwined with yours that you would hold it with honorable intentions. I would simply ask this one final thing of you, to protect my heart as you would your own, as I would do for you.
With that, I will succumb to the sunrise, give thanks for this day and pray that tonight will be different. Love will cover me and sleep will find its way.

Love infinitely,

The girl with the hazel eyes and the heart that was sent to love you.
Your Future Wife

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Dear Future Husband, my HE IS has become YOU ARE

He Is…

What I didn’t know I wanted

He is…

What I didn’t know was possible

He Is …

My protector, when I didn’t know I needed protecting

He Is…

More than I could have known to ask for

He Is…

More loving than I believed was possible

He Is…

More than what I thought I qualified for

He Is …

All of what dreams are made of

He Is …

More patient than I thought was possible

He is …

More understanding than I thought was realistic

He Is…

My protector, when I didn’t know I needed protecting

He Is…

My provider, when I was fully capable of providing

He Is …

The boundary, that supported my boundaries

He Is…

A smile in the midst of my tears

He Is…

A new beginning when it felt like the end

He Is…

Exactly who he said he was

He Is…

The demonstration of truth

He Is…

Trust in human form

He is…

More than I could have know to ask for

HE IS, YOU ARE … EXACTLY WHAT I MANIFESTED FOR❤

Love in the meantime. You are my testimony that the work, works….prayers do come true, and the man I invested a lifetime manifesting… IS YOU

Every day I’m grateful that “He”, who was, has become the HE IS, that is YOU.

My love in between time..I’m here, look for me while I wait for You….

The girl with the hazel eyes and the heart that was sent to love you..

Your Future Wife,

MarciaRae

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Dear Future Husband, Will You Know?

Dear Future Husband,

I wonder sometimes, when you see me, will you really SEE ME?

When you see me, will you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve hoping it will help you notice me?

Will you know that all the years I covered up the pain but praying one day you would come along and be patient enough to undress me?

Will you know that the scars most people see on the surface are not scars at all?

Will you know that each and every one is worn with my head held high?

Will you know that the dark grooves and the raised tissue are instead badges of courage reminding me daily that the war has not been won but many battles are behind me?

Will you know that all the time I thought I was fighting alone, I stood the post waiting for you to come “home”?

Will you know that home is not a place but a space deep inside my soul with which only your soul will align?

Will you know that many of the days I said I was fine, I wasn’t?

Will you know that don’t expect you to make it fine but just to understand me when I’m not?

Will you know when silence is my only sound to listen with your touch?

Will you know what to do when I don’t have a clue?

Will you know to lead me with love so that I can embrace what it feels like to follow?

Will you know that I loved you from the first moment I imagined you?

Will you know how long I’ve craved the one of a kind, lasting love that resides only inside of you?

What I really wanna know is…. when you see me, will you know me? Like I already know you?

Remember, I’m the girl with the hazel eyes and the heart that was sent to love you.

Your Future Wife

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Dear Future Husband~ Was It You?

As crazy as this may sound to many something tells me you will get this….

I believe that pieces of you are spirinkled amidst pieces of me and pieces of me somehow impaled your spirit. Likely unbeknownst to either of us, at some odd and seemingly insignificant point along the way.

I can’t say for sure just yet where those pieces reside for either of us at this particular moment. What I believe to be true however, is that once we finally come face to face with one another it will be abundantly clear. The pieces of you that I have been carrying will instantly connect with you and the pieces of me that you have been nurturing will instantly vibe with my frequency. I have an unusually strong sense of comfort and peace as a result of this belief.

I was thinking out loud the other day trying to recount the experiences I have had and the number of times really I felt safe and protected. There weren’t many but I was trying desperately to find those fleeting moments. Desperately trying to identify security in a life lived in a world that never felt loving or safe to me.

I finally came upon one and it surprised me to say the least. One person, one caring, kind, compassionate face… at a time when I was probably the most vulnerable, most impressionable, and felt the most alone. One name hinged to seemingly small but impactful memories filled my head and my heart.

Now I wonder is that you? Could it have been so so so long ago that God said look, he’s got you, he will protect you… but back then, we were young still struggling to find oursleves. I know I wasn’t ready most likely neither of us were.

Maybe I had to grow through all of the things I have been through to be ready to appreciate that kind protection without feeling suffocated by it. Maybe it took every wrong turn to ready me to turn towards God so he could show me you, again. Can you imagine how dope that love story would be?

In any case, I am looking for the start of forever. Wonder if it really started all those years ago and it took till now…. for you to be revealed.

Only time can tell but my heart is open, my spirit is receptive and my mind is free to listen for the sound your breath in my ear…. I’ll know and so will you. Your arms will feel like home and the beat of your heart will sound like serenity.

The rest is up to God to unite us. Possibly for the first time but more and more I’m convinced it will be to reunite us for the final time.

When it’s you I’ll know that “this is that” and so will you.

In the meantime, I’m investing in prayer for wisdom, discernment, and patience… for both of us cuz I suspect we’ll both need it in our toolboxes for the long haul, lol.

Patiently waiting on the first day of forever to come….

The girl with the hazel eyes and the heart that was sent to love you.

Your Future Wife,

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Dear Future Husband, Just thinking about our first time

Dear Future Husband,

This may seem kind of random, but that’s part of my charm. Random thoughts are part of me. Lol sharing them is also part of me, you being and understanding and patient with them, is part of you.

At any rate,

I was just thinking today, about what our firsts will be like together.

I wonder, what it will be like the first time our eyes meet. Will they instantly lock or will one of us turn away?

What about the the first time your hand brushes mine? Will it be accidental or intentional? Will we pull back or hold on? I already know I’ll want to hold on.

Oh, and our first conversation face to face, at last. Will I get so nervous that I begin to ramble (cuz I do that sometimes). Or will it all flow effortlessly, just like loving you will?

Will my cheeks hurt from smiling and my belly ache from laughter?

I wonder, how long it will be before you embrace me? I’m already anticipating that your arms will feel like home. Gosh I hope you’ll feel the same.

Of course I wonder about the first time we make love…. I wonder, do you think about that too? *blushing*. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t tried to capture that feeling many times over the years. Exactly what you will smell like and taste like and what it will feel like in that pivotal moment. To finally open myself up and give my whole self to someone who has prepared his entire life to receive all of me. I’ve tried to imagine the climax and then certain and powerful release. But everytime I get close it escapes me. The slate is wiped clean. It’s as if God is showing me that I’ll never be able to fully imagine it because the reality of that moment will far exceed my wildest imagination.

I think about the morning after, the look, the conversation the second round 🤣, (sorry, not sorry) I’m just saying….. anyways… making you breakfast in bed.

First meals, first introductions to friends and family. The first I love You and the first I love you too.

As eager as I am for all of those things even more I look forward to the first time we pray together. Unified in prayer over our union, our family, our future, and our gratitude for God loving us enough to teach us to love ourselves in a way that opens the door for us to love one another.

I don’t know about you, but I think we will have a whole lot of praising to do. After everything He has brought us through to give us the chance to experience the blessings He had in store for us all along. I cannot be thankful enough. For Him, for you, and for the work He will continue to do to, for, and through us.

Mostly I’ll be grateful to finally have a partner to finish this journey we call life with.

On that note, please know this. I love you in advance and continue to pray for your covering as I do my own.

Keep your eyes open, your heart warm and listen for me, you’ll know….

I’m the girl with the hazel eyes and the heart sent to love you.

Your Future Wife

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Dear Future Husband, It’s Your Turn To Receive

Dear Future Husband,

Today I was thinking about you, about us and about our future together. I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude wash over me as I thought through this journey towards readiness for our life together.

I was thinking about ALLLLLLL of the times that God pulled me out of unsafe and unhealthy situations. I remembered the number of times He saved me from my own bad choices and then gave me the benefit of hindsight, but from a distance. Ensuring that I could see the lesson about MYSELF that got me into such predicaments. I’m confident that he has done the same for you. I continue to pray daily that you are covered as I know He has covered me.

You know many times I have told you that I feel deep inside as though I have already met you at least once in my life and how I will just KNOW YOU when you are presented to me this next time. As much as that comforts me, it also scares me a little. Like depending on what our circumstances were when we met. So if you happen to catch wind of this letter I want you to read it in a vain of understanding that the past is the past. If we’ve met before ok, if we havent that’s ok too, but in either case, we both have our own pasts. Filled with successes and failures, pains, gains, mistakes and missteps but it was all necessary for us to learn the lessons to be the perfect fit for each other.

I was thinking about broken pieces and how sometimes people try to put them back together to make them like they were before, that’s impossible there will still be signs of the brokenness, it forever remains incomplete.

So instead I decided I would think of our journeys like a jigsaw puzzle. (I’m making an assumption here that at some point you have put a puzzle together. If not, just flow with me and allow me to elaborate.)

So first you make sure you have the place to build your puzzle. You need to have enough room, and if it will take some time, it has to be somewhere it can be left uninterrupted. Now, when you first open the box you dump all the pieces out of the box onto the table. Then set the cover of the box in plain sight to give you a vision for what the finished product will look like. As you begin to assemble your masterpiece, you have to turn over every piece. Inspect each one in order to eventually get it right. Then most people try to build the outer edges first, essentially provide a framework for the vision. As you begin to select the pieces it is a learning process. Some you will pick up, test them out then put back down. The time isnt right for it to fit into the picture. But you try to recall where it may fit later down the line, so you’ll know when it’s time. Eventually after trial and error the vision comes into frame and finally to completion.

I think that’s like our love. We have both in our own ways have created our seperate visions. Through our pasts we’ve tested pieces, that did not fit. And as I’m convinced we’ve crossed paths but it may not have been the right time then. We learned the lessons and now we will now recognize the missing piece.

Being in your arms will feel like completion. We will know.

As I had that thought I realized how many times I had tried to give all to someone and it still never worked, it didn’t fit. Then I smiled to think how dope it will feel to give that love to someone who is ready, who understands and who reciprocates it back. It definitely, feels like completion. The thought filled my cup today, the reality I sense will fill my heart, soon. Thank you in advance for loving me AS-IS.

At any rate, just wanted to share that thought, remind you that you’re loved from a place of purity and that I’m here, I’m ready. And now it’s your turn to receive it all.

You’ll know me when it’s time, I’m the girl with the hazel eyes and the heart that’s been sent to love you.

Your Future Wife,

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Dear Future Husband, I been chasing that high

Dear Future Husband,

Do you know how sometimes you can experience something in life and in THAT MOMENT it feels almost surreal. It feels like you are dreaming but you’re living real life, in real time.

Have you ever loved someone like that? Have you ever loved from a place so deep that you didn’t even know you could? Suddenly, one day it’s over. Then you wonder, was it ever real or was it in your head? You ask yourself if you experienced this beautiful thing or only dreamed it because you’ve been conditioned to believe that’s how TRUE LOVE is supposed to feel. There are no answers only more questions.

I have….

The best way I can describe it is that euphoria you once felt or imagined is like a high. You begin to crave that high again but no matter where you turn or who you lean into you can’t catch that same feeling. You become like an addict chasing that first high again but it escapes you. In each new encounter you have hopes of feeling that feeling just ONE MORE TIME but there’s a void. Afterwards there is a sadness that washes over you. You wonder how can you get that high again.

So you go back to the place, into the arms where you once found that solice, that peace, that life affirming breath defining passion and you wait for the high. But even here it still escapes you. You are crushed, you feel lost and defeated. You begin to lose Hope. That’s scary when Hope has always been your constant companion.

Suddenly you begin to understand that other love and that high wasn’t the one for me, it was an experience sent to show me my CAPACITY to be in love. That high, wasn’t intended to last. But I now believe that’s how I will know you, when I feel that high again. I know it’s possible.

Just like I know that a love grounded in faith, supported by trust, sustained by honesty and fueled with passion exists. I know that my heart will skip a beat in your presence. I know that I will smile because you smile. I know that your happiness will be an extension of mine and mine an extension of yours. But we will both be filled with our own individual joys. I know that our love will fill the void and chase away the sadness.

I know that with you, eventually, I won’t crave the euphoric high. Instead, I will be sustained by the consistency. I will be fulfilled by what we are building together and comforted knowing that this time it is REAL.

Until then, I’ll continue to pray for your safety and your success. Sending you good vibes and all the love your heart and hands can hold.

Remember to look for me when you’re not expecting to find me. I’ll be waiting. I’m the girl with the hazel eyes and the heart that was sent to love you. You’ll know.

Love eternally,

Your Future Wife

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Dear Future Husband, Let’s Do Some Radical Shit

Dear Future Husband…
Let’s do some radical shit. Like hold each other down so we can build each other up. Let’s focus inward so we can move forward. Let’s use our past to create a future. Let’s say what we mean and do what we say. Let’s listen with purpose so we can hear our hearts desires. Let’s move like the world is standing still. Let’s make time like we are fresh out of it. Let’s love for the sake of love not for the approval of the Gram.

Let’s allow one another the space to be who we are. While simultaneously encouraging each other to become who we’re destined to be. Let’s lay a foundation of loyalty, trust and confidence. Let’s Build together one life, from two dreams, culminating in a prosperous vision even if only for the two of us to see. Let’s let our life become the climax we’ve searched through so many souls to find.
Praying for you,
💚The girl with the hazel eyes and the heart that was sent to love you ~Your Future Wife.

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